Post partum: Week 5

Weight: 122 lbs
Waist: 33 inches

Average night's sleep: 5 hours. Usually wake up at 3:30 and fall back to sleep around in 6:00 a.m. and then nap for about an hour or until Finnegan wakes up.

Aches & Pains: Upper & lower back, knees and neck pain. I think that most of the pains are due to not sitting up correctly while nursing. It's hard to get vertical at 3:30 in the morning because I know that I won't be able to sleep once I wake up.

This week started out pretty good. My energy levels were picking up and I went to the studio on Thursday, Friday & Saturday. I didn't really do any photography until Saturday so, I concentrated on taking care of issues that Rachele needed me to do. When, I actually picked up the camera, I felt really rusty. Mostly because my energy levels are low and so is my creativity.

On Friday I started to experience a lot of neck, back and stomach pain. Saturday morning my neck pain was quite intense and required some pain killer to alleviate it.
The other aches and pains exacerbated my sleep problems and I felt very sleep deprived which meant that I needed a really long nap on Sunday.

By the late afternoon on Sunday I felt the need to go outside and do some yardwork. So, I pruned the wisteria vines in the back yard and raked up the leaves. Doug did all the heavy lifting and it felt good to breath the fresh air.

This morning I went to the OBGYN for my four-week checkup. After the examination and telling the doctor about all my aches and pains, she told me to take it easy for at least 4-6 more weeks. She thinks that I may have pulled a couple of stitches which would explain my abdominal swelling and pain. She told me not to lift anything heavier than the baby. I was over doing it.

State of mind: It's especially important for me to be aware of my emotional state because I had post partum depression pretty bad after Finnegan was born. For the past 4-5 days I've been feeling sad and helpless. I watched the movie, "An Inconvenient Truth" and it made me feel like the world is coming to an end and nobody cares. Then I saw a story about a little boy's heart wrenching reaction when his father returned from Iraq and it made cry and cry every time I thought about it.

Then I started thinking about being an older mom and it suddenly hit me that if I'm lucky, I might have 40 years with Finnegan and Elijah. This thought scared me because who will be around to help them? Who will care about their world? What will their life be like? What will their future hold? Will they live happy lives or will their existence be one of suffering and struggle?

These questions make me so sad because I love them so much and my hope is that they grow up to be happy people, but I also want them to have a future to be happy with. I want the power to make a change. The power to convince people that we need to act now to prevent the rapid deterioration of the environment. But, I feel helpless against the political regimes that use sound bites, pseudo-science and fear
to keep the average person distracted enough to ignore the real issues that will impact our lives 20-30 years down the road. The evidence is all around us we just have to choose to believe the truth and not the rhetoric intended to keep us frightened into complacency.

After I told all of these things to the OB she said that my feelings were natural, that it's part of our nature to want to protect our children. She had the same kinds of thoughts after the birth of her child. She did caution me that if my feelings of sadness get worse to call and get some treatment for it. And she said that it might be better be more PollyAnna right now and watch happier things on TV. It's nice to have a doctor who understands what moms go through.

I'm not sure if I feel any relief, but I do feel better knowing that someone else knows how I feel.