October 2006 Archives

I'm feeling better today, I tried to write about my feelings last night, but I was too tired. Numb actually. It was an emotionally draining day.

This morning I dropped Finnegan off at school and then came home to be along. I needed to write about my feelings and have a good cry. I couldn't have a cathatic cry yesterday because Finnegan would not understand what was going on and then he would cry too. I just didn't want to put him through that.

After getting my frustrations out, I felt much better and I discovered that I felt like eating, so I treated myself to lox and bagels which is quite nutritious.
Then I took a long hot shower and felt renewed. Not happier, but in a better frame of mind.

I was off to work and met Rachele at the photography studio. Today, I was able to get some work done and get ready for our big Halloween promotional event at the Mill Creek City Hall which was a great success. I'm not sure home many cards we put out, but it was more that 700. Hopefully it will bring people into the studio for Santa Photos.

When I returned home Spoon was barking his head off and it seemed odd that Grenade's funny crow cawing was not to be heard. I brought Finnegan into the house and laid him onto the bed without disturbing his slumber. Spoon quieted after receiving his treats and a calm settled onto the house.

Without Doug here, the house seems empty. Without Grenade here it seems odd. I keep wanted to give him his pills twice a day and find myself wanting to look for him in all the usual places. But, he's not there.

Some people might think I'm crazy going on like this about a pet, but they probably haven't had my experience. It's good to write these things down
and read them later. It's important to live all of our emotions fully.

If we never suffer sadness, we can never know joy.

Well, it's been a week since Grenade died. Yes, I can now say the word. Nevertheless, I am feeling much better and Finnegan keeps me busy. I think about Grenade everyday and I look at his photos to remind me of his funny little ways and it brings a smile to my face.

One photo reminded me of a nickname that I had for him, "clownface," because he had a funny little smiling face and always seemed to be smiling. When he lost some teeth his tongue would hang out on the left side a little bit and he looked even sillier.

Before we had Finnegan, Grenade was my "baby." I used to put preemie shirts on him to keep him warm and carry him around in my arms. I took him everywhere with me and he always had a prominent place in the front seat of the car.

I love nicknames and it really bothered me for a long time that Doug did not want a nickname, so I gave a few of them to Grenade.

Goldenrod
Mr. Pokey
Mr. Determined
The Wanderer
Red Rover
Fuzzy nutkin
Little One
Snicker doodle
Fido
Baby
clownface

Just to name a fe.

Today was a very hard day for me because I knew that Grenade didn't have much time left. I woke up at 7:30 a.m. to get to the pet hospital before 8:00 a.m. to transfer him to his regular veterinarian's office.

Getting ready was hard because I was so sad and felt like I was in slow motion. Somehow I managed to take a shower, dress Finnegan and arrive at the hospital on time.

When I took Grenade into my arms he was shivering and looking at me with his big brown eyes. His breathing was labored and he was very lethargic. These were signs that I recognized, but did not want to accept, but I had to.

The ride to the pet clinic felt final. I tried desperately to heat the car to keep Grenade warm, but he was still shivering. After a few miles he seemed to settle into a comfortable position for the duration of our travel.

At 8:45 I gently handed him over to the veterinary technician and she carefully carried him to the treatment room. Walter, the office manager told me that the doctors would not be in until after 9:00 a.m. and then they would make a diagnosis. I opted to take Finnegan to eat breakfast at Shari's Restaurant to ease my hunger and give me something to occupy my time.

Finnegan was very happy to drink some milk, eat same waffles with strawberries and I ate eggs, hashbrowns and bacon. Then I finished Finnegan's waffles. I didn't have the motivation to eat, but I was so hungry. It did make a difference, decisions are best made on a full stomach.

At 9:30 we arrived at the pet clinic and we consulted with Dr. Hanson and I told her that I did not want to take any drastic measures to prolong Grenade's life, but that his comfort was the most important thing. I also told her that I would depend on her to tell me what was best for him, even if it was a hard decision to make.

She said they would do what they could for him and she would keep me posted throughout the day. So, Finnegan and I went to the studio.

At the studio I was pretty much worthless. My mind was so preoccupied with Grenade that I could hardly complete any tasks let alone photograph people. Rachele was very kind to me because she had lost two dogs three years ago and she still misses them.

Watching Finnegan play and tear around the studio was a good distraction for me and his little cherub face lifts my unhappy heart. A child's love is like feeling the sun's rays on your back on a cold winter day.

At 2:17 Dr. Hanson called me and told me that I needed to come to the clinic right away because she wasn't sure that Grenade would make it through the afternoon. I immediately grabbed Finnegan and left the studio hoping to drive the 18 miles fast enough without speeding to be by Grenade's side. I tried not to cry on the way, but it was hard not to. Fortunately, traffic was light and I made it in 30 minutes. A clinic technician walked me to the back room and that's where I saw Dr. DeWees sitting by Grenade's side petting his head.

As I put my sleeping baby into a nice warm corner of the room I was so thankful I could devote my time to Grenade. It was so sad to see him in a cage with an oxygen mask on his face. When he heard my voice he opened his eyes and looked at me. He was in a lot of pain and he even tried to get up to get closer to me. I desperately wanted to cradle him in my arms, but it just wasn't possible. So, I talked to him and let him know that he was a good dog and that I loved him. I thanked him for giving me so much joy in my life and told him that he wouldn't have to suffer any more. I know he didn't understand what I was saying, but at least he heard my voice.

After about 15 minutes of consoling him, I asked the doctor if it was time and he nodded. I looked at the clock and it was 3:13 p.m. and thought that it was ironic that Doug had been to our engagement spot earlier in the day, where we were engage at 3:13 in the afternoon. A beginning and an end.

Grenade was moved to the operating table wrapped in his warm blankets and then they gave him an injection. I kept talking to him and looking into his eyes. I knew the instant he was gone and like that it was over. I cried for several minutes and continued to pet Grenade and realized that it was time take him home. The finality of the past couple of days had finally hit me and even though I was very sad, life had to go on.

Dr. DeWees bundled Grenade up and gingerly placed him into a box and sealed the top with a piece of tape. How strange it seemed to me that a life can be put into a box. I thought of all the funerals I've attended and how I wondered the same thing. This time there would be no funeral, no eulogy, no flowers and no announcements in the paper because Grenade was a dog. Eventhough he was important to me, his passing would not be marked with great fanfare only the quiet reverance of a grateful owner.

We then walked out to the car, me carrying Finnegan who was fast asleep and Dr. DeWees carrying Grenade. After getting everyone settled into the car, Grenade's primary care Vet. Dr. Hanson came out to give me a hug and offered her condolences. I hadn't realized until then that she was married to Dr. DeWees and he gave me a hug too. They were so nice to me. I really needed it at that time.

It's hard to let go of a beloved pet, but he was in my life for a reason. He was there for me when my grandfather died, when Doug and I had broken up in 1997. He was my companion, so that I didn't have to live alone. He was with us when we renewed our marriage vows and he was a source of comfort during the infertility years. For such a small creature he was my constant companion and I will be forever grateful that he was in our lives.

At times like these we may forget that he used to pee on the floor all the time, had really bad breath, and barked often, but then we aren't all perfect. I think he taught me that not all of us are perfect and that we can still love someone who has a few issues that we don't like. I guess the greatest gift that he gave to me was unconditional love. I will miss seeing his little clown face greeting me at the door and his little spins for treats and I'll miss petting him and feeling his warmth on my lap.

Doug told me a few years ago, "Grenade is not human." This is true, but in his own way he helped me be a better person by caring for him.

Last night, after Finnegan and I settled into the house, I noticed that Grenade was not very active and he was having a hard time breathing. His heart was beating so loudly that I could hear it without getting close to him and I could hear fluid in his lungs. I put him outside to do his business and he stood there wobbling on his legs and his tail was hanging down. He managed to urinate with shaky legs and I became very worried. When I brought him in he refused to eat or drink anything that I offered him which was especially bad because he needs to take his medication.

This morning I took Grenade to the pet hospital near our house and the news was not good. The doctor said that Grenade had Congestive Heart Failure and fluid in the lungs. I started to cry because my worst fears where coming true. As the doctor told me that with appropriate medications and antibiotics Grenade could pull through this, but he'd have to see a cardiologist and still would only have a few months to a year to live.

I heard these words and all I could think of was that I didn't want to make the awful decision of euthanasia. The doctor left to take care of some paperwork and to give me an estimate for treatment and I started thinking about quality of life issues not only for animals, but people too.

An hour passed and I asked to see Grenade before making my decision. When I took him into my arms I remembered the day that I found him at the animal shelting in Korea and how happy he was to see me. I've been so attached to him all these years and now very soon he will be a shining part of my past.

He looked at me with his big shiny black eyes and bobbed his head like he usually does and I just couldn't do it. I needed time to call Doug and think about everything.

When I explained the situation to Doug, he was such a comfort to me. He said that we should be prepared for the end, but that we should also make his remaining time as comfortable as possible and avoid any dramatic treatment to prolong his life. He was right and so, I've decided to bring him home and take care of him here.

I've been worried about Grenade for a few years. I hated to leave him home during long visits especially when we went to Europe for five weeks.

It's hard to let go of our beloved pets. Grenade has been with me since July 17, 1995 and he's been a great companion all these years. I just wish we had more time.

Today is day two of week twenty-two. I feel pretty good despite being tired. This little guy sure likes to kick a lot much like Finnegan did. The main thing that is bothering me is that I am having a hard time walking. I've developed a sort of waddle that helps me to alleviate some of the pain. Unfortunately, the lower back pain and sciatica are always there.

On the lighter side of things, we had a really good week at the studio, we were totally swamped and we had a record sales day today! Business is good.

This weekend Doug went out of town for a recruiting trip to the University of Michigan, so Finnegan and I are on our own. Today when we got home from the studio Finnegan ran around the house yelling, "Daddy, Daddy." He looked in every room and I had to tell him that Daddy would be home in a few days. I think we will start a countdown so that he understand that Daddy will be returning soon. As a result of Doug's absence Finnegan was off his routine and bathtime wasn't any fun. So, I cheered him up by making some popcorn and eating it in bed while we looked at helicopter photos. He just loves helicopters or "coppers" as he refers to them. He's just so cute.

Tomorrow is a day off and we will be carving pumpkins and getting our costumes ready for Tuesday night. Finnegan can already say, "trick or treat." He's pure cherub when he utters those words.

Candy foraging will be fun with him.

Today is the one month mark for opening our studio in Mill Creek. Rachele and I have been working six day weeks, but we are having fun creating beautiful images of high school seniors, babies and families.

The response from the community has been very positive. The owner of the local newspaper, the Mill Creek Journal, has been so nice to us. His designer has been creating some of our marketing pieces for free and they even print up flyer for us at no charge. Of course, we are running ads in their paper, but it's so nice to have a "staff" to do some of these things for us.

We've been doing a great job of networking with other businesses to expand our line of products by outsourcing. Today, we spoke with our neighbor, Jeff, across the street at the wrapping and shipping store and it's a great place. We take all of our packages there for postage, wrapping and packing. It's a one-stop-shop. We are working out
an arrangement where he will handle all of our stationary needs for our families and brides who require cards and announcements and we don't have to take on the extra burden of marketing those items. We are trying to share the wealth and expertise.
We are doing the same sort of thing with a children's clothing shop and they will have as special selection of clothing just for portraits and we will send all of our families there to select outfits for the family photos.

A couple of days ago, I spoke with the Mayor, Donna, and she asked us to participate in the City's annual Trunk or Treat event at the City Hall on Halloween. The city staff circles about 35 vehicles in the parking lot, load up the trunks with candy and more than 1400 kids come through for a fun and safe evening. They host balloon animals, big balloon bouncy toys, hot drinks and lots of fun for the kids.

We are so lucky to have picked the Mill Creek community to open our photography studio because it feels like a small town. I am often reminded of all my friends and family from Wallace, Idaho where everyone knew each other and were happier because of it.

Finnegan doesn't go to school on Monday or Friday, so he goes to the studio with me.
He usually falls asleep on the drive in and sleeps for about two hours which allows me to get some work done. Once he wakes up we eat lunch and get ready for the afternoon photo shoots.

I'm not quite sure what people are really thinking when they see Finnegan running around the studio with his toys and trying to help me reflect light onto our clients, but it's a joy to have him around.

I am amazed at how much Finn is learning. He knows where to put the trash and now brings me his diapers when he needs a change. He usually walks into the room with diaper in hand and then lays down in front of me ready for a fresh start on his day. He's just so darn cute.

His vocabulary is growing greatly and he's having conversations with us. He definitely knows what he wants and he doesn't settle for "no" often. The best thing of all is that he has such a good personality. He's a little joker and loves to tease me.

Now that we have another baby on the way, it is exciting to know that we can do it all again, despite the sleep deprivation during the first few months. Through it all, nothing beats the unconditional love from a child.

Last week Doug and I went in for the big ultrasound to see our baby and after 30 minutes of seeing images that look like alien creatures we were able to see some 4D images. Technology is amazing. At only 19 weeks, we now know that our baby is a boy and has ten fingers and toes and he likes to kick a lot! I know when he's awake and quite active.

These photos aren't very clear, but they are very cool!

It's been a while since my last update and there is quite a bit to share. It's hard to discuss everything so, I'll pick a few for now.

Spring 2006 European Vacation

Seven months ago Doug took a three-month leave from work and took all of us to Europe for an unforgettable five-week vacation. It was a wonderful bonding experience for the three of us as we traveled by plane, train, bus, bike and rental car from Germany to France, Austria, Belgium and Holland. The food was great and I gained about five pounds eating chocolate and cheese! But, all the different food, wine and beer was part of the cultural education.

The trip highlights included: WWII sites; Mozart music in Salzburg and Vienna; Hitler's Eagle's Nest in Bertesgarden, the D-Day beaches in Normandy, the Peace Museum and the Dutch Occupation Museum in Amsterdam. Castles along the Loire Valley, Joan of Arc's adventures and the great tapestry depicting the Battle of 1066. Crepes, gallettes, cidre and medieval homes of Britannia. Belgium chocolate and art galleries. Finally the amazing art galleries in Holland with painting by Van Gogh, Rembrandt and Carravaggio.

We were constantly on the go, but we were able to spend a few days; on a farm in France, time with locals in an Austrian mountain village where it snowed and in the cities visiting museums and churches. It was a great experience and once in a while I wish I could go to the museum to sit and gaze at the artwork or to sit at a street cafe sipping cappuccinos. We'll have to go back.

Finnegan starts school:

Finnegan is almost two years old and we can't believe it. He is learning so much and is such a joy to be around.

Many months ago, Doug and I decided to that it was time to put Finnegan into some kind of school because he is such a social child. So we looked as a few daycare centers and one highly recommended by our neighbors.

The different places we visited ranged from glorified babysitting with terrible food to a curriculum driven pre-school with organic food. We were really thankful for the recommendations because we settled on the Northwest Child Development Center in the Queen Anne neighborhood about two miles from our house.

After three weeks, we know that we made the correct decision because Finnegan is thriving. He loves going to school three days a week where he eats several tasty organic meals and snacks each day and joins in activities that develop his communication, motor and cognitive skills. He has developed so much in just nine days.

At home he now helps us set the table by ferrying plates, napkins, silverware and condiments to their proper places. He can prepare cookie batter and form the dough into balls and place them on cookie sheets and yesterday he prepared the batter for a very tasty french toast breakfast. Meal preparation is so much fun because he loves to help.

Each day we hear him expand his vocabulary. His vocalizations are now becoming conversations. With the combination of sign language and is new word usage, he commuicates very well with us.

Last year Doug and I had many discussions about daycare and we just weren't sure we wanted to do it. Doug was very comfortable with keeping Finnegan at home because that's what he grew up with, but we noticed how happy Finn was when surrounded by other children. When we were on vacation he had so much fun socializing with children in France, Austria and Holland that we knew it was time he had a more structured environment that would stimulate his mind.

The things that I like most about the NWCDC is that they started out as a school for children with disabilities and eventually opened it's doors to include all children. It's a great environment because the children learn and play with others who have varying physical and development abilities. One of Finnegan's classmates, Nora, has Down's Syndrome, but there are speech therapists and physical therapists on staff who assist her every day.

It's amazing to see how patient the teachers and therapists are with all the children and to witness the kids eating, cleaning up after meals, washing hands, and playing together. They are learning manners for sitting at the breakfast table and for playing together and to be self-sufficient little helpers at home.

It's a wonderful place that is the only one of it's kind in the Northwest region and we are so thankful that Finnegan has the opportunity to attend such a unique school.

Photography Studio:

Last year, my friend Rachele Valadez and I spent a month taking Santa photos at a nearby shopping center while hatching a plan to start our own photography studio. In February we put in a proposal for a space at the Wallingford Center and were rejected! We couldn't believe it and our defeat only served to steel our determination to find a new location. Our luck improved when Rachele found the newly developed Mill Creek Town Center about 18 miles away from my house and hers. After a few months of negotiating we signed the lease on a 1400 square foot store corner store.

It took many months to work out all the details and we became very frustrated with the build-out process, but on August 15th we gained access to the space and began
working to get everything done. Rachele saved us so much money by getting all of her friends to help us with painting, carpeting and millwork at cost. Then we tiled the lobby and bathroom ourselves. Visitors always ask us about the floors and want to hire our contractors, we tell them we charge $10,000, just in case anyone takes us up on the offer.

During the second week of September we called in family members (my mom, Rachele's mom and my sister Barbara) to help us with the final push to finish the studio for our opening day on Sept. 16th. It was a lot of work, but we have a beautiful gallery photography studio and we have been busy. It's so nice to go to work everyday because it's a real job instead of a hobby that takes over my house. Working with a partner is nice too because I have someone to rely on and Rachele does too.

House remodeling:

If you've seen our house you know that it's a 1922 Bungalow craftsman-style home. For two years we've been enjoying our home with Finnegan and as we settled
in we realized that we missed having a home theater. So, two days before we left for Europe, Doug decided it was time to convert the garage into a movie theater/play room.
It was a mad dash to get everything packed and moved into storage while preparing for our trip, but we made it.

Six months later we now have a home theatre with a drop down seven foot wide screen with surround sound and a wonderful play space complete with storage cabinets and a space for displaying Doug's Star Wars memorabilia.

The best part of the remodel is that Doug designed a bay window that was installed above the garage on the main floor. It's a beautiful window seat that looks our onto
the front yard and the new window totally changed the feel of the upstairs. Each time I walk into the front door, I take a deep breath and feel the warmth and security of
hearth and home sweep over me like a hug from an old friend. Doug's changes to the house were so well designed and we are enjoying the new spaces very much.

Growing family; new baby on the way:

Yes, it's true. We are going to welcome a new baby boy into our family this February. We were so happy when we discovered that we were going to have another baby. We had always hoped for another child, but thought that it might not happen. To our surprise in June, I started feeling really tired and not quite myself. Then one day, it dawned on me that I might be pregnant. It didn't seem possible considering all the treatment that I had to go through to have Finnegan, but I took the test anyway and it was positive! What a great surprise!

I am currently at 19 weeks and two days with four months to go. Since our lives don't seem to be slowing down much, it's nice to know that we have another great event to look forward to in February.