What if?

As I look at the calendar today, I am reminded that ten months ago I
was called to active duty for assignment in Iraq. I have to admit that
I was pretty excited about going to be a war correspondent which is
every journalist's dream. The downside of those aspirations is that I
would have to leave Doug and my two precious doggies behind for more
than a year. I was worried about so many things.

For several months prior to my activation, I knew that my unit was on
the list to get called up for Iraq and I didn't tell Doug because he
was pressuring me to get out of the Army and I just wasn't ready to let
go yet. I really wanted to take my unit and do great journalism
despite the hardships and danger. One last adventure before retiring
to civilian life. I was torn between adventure and love for my
husband.

In October of 2003, poor Doug broke his leg. It was terrible too
because it was a very serious break that required immediate surgery and
hospitalization and we were only one week away from going to Europe
with our family. Doug felt terrible for letting his family down. I
felt awful because he was in so much pain and that I was going to have
to leave him while I escorted our family around Europe without him.

When I had first received the phone call about Doug, one of his
co-workers told me that he had broken his ankle and was being
transported to the hospital. I wasn't too worried because I figured
they'd cast him up, give him some good drugs and then we could meet our
family in Europe a few days after our start date. However, when I got
to the emergency room it was apparent that Doug would not be going
anywhere anytime soon. The emergency room doctor started telling me
about Doug's condition and as I looked at x-rays of his grossly
extended foot and engorged leg my head began to swim and I almost
fainted right there. The smell of alcohol, Doug's moans of agony and
my lack of lunch had caught up to me and I was almost a casualty right
next to him.

Fortunately for Doug the team doctor for the US Olympic Ski Team was on
call that day and he performed the surgery. When Doug was coming out
of post-op Dr. Mandt explained how he had repaired Doug's leg and ankle
and I was so thankful that he had done the job, as a section of leg had
been shattered and the ankle needed work too. I had never seen a leg
break like that before, it was truly tragic and if not repaired
properly Doug would have had a limp for the rest of his life.

The next day, I arrived at the hospital to spend time with Doug and as
I entered the room his eyes lit up like I was the only person in the
world who could speak his language. Poor guy had the bad luck of
having Nurse Ratchet attending to him and making him get out of bed and
giving him medications that made him sick. I could see the pain in his
face and his desire to go home. Several hours later, Doug was released
from the hospital and drove home.

The next few days were a challenge to manage Doug's pain and to take
care of him at the same time. He was worried about becoming addicted
to prescription drugs like Rush Limbaugh and he used his meds
sparingly. I kept encouraging him to stay ahead of the pain and
reminded him that use of the drugs within accordance of doctors orders
would ease his pain and not to worry about addiction, he just needed
to get through the first ten days. He was miserable and all that I
could do was take care of him the best that I could.

As the weekend began to loom upon us we decided that I had to go to
Europe to squire the family around as we had planned the whole trip. I
packed all my things and then hired several people to help Doug. A
couple of his co-workers stopped by and set Doug up with wireless
access to work from his bed on the sofa and now he had internet
activity to occupy his time. I promised that I would email him as
often as I could and would call him every so often to check in on him.
After everything was set and people lined up to check in on Doug, I
boarded the shuttle which took me to the airport.

When I got back from my vacation in October poor Doug had had enough.
He was still in a lot of pain and told me that my sweet little dog,
Grenade had a mean streak in him. Doug said that he would put Grenade
outside to do his business and then he'd wonder off, leaving Doug to
struggle with great effort and tremendous pain to go after him. I felt
really bad about that because I know that Doug suffered so much. As
the anniversary of Doug's broken leg passed by a few days ago, I still
felt bad for leaving him alone and in pain. I'll never know how much
he suffered and I don't want him to go through something like that
again.

As luck would have it, the Adjutant General requested my return to the
Public Affairs office at the first of November and I went back to work
for the National Guard to prepare for the deployment of 4000 soldiers
to Iraq. So, I had to leave Doug at home again. Fortunately, he was
ready to go to work and was able to at least be around some of his
co-workers.

When I got back to the office, the first thing that I was asked was,
"Did you have a good vacation?" I said yes and then I heard, "Good
because we've got a lot of work to do and you better pack your bags."
Of course, I asked, "What have you heard?" "You, Captain Treder, are
on the list for Iraq." I nodded my head and went to my desk to finish
my preparations to speak with the media knowing that Major Palmer was
not kidding.

The first of November brought the announcement of the deployment of the
81st Infantry Brigade (4,000) Washington Army National Guard. The
media descended upon my Public Affairs staff like locust. We had media
requests from all of the more than 200 media agencies in the state of
Washington and myriads of requests from all over the US and the
international media was calling too. This time we were ready. My team
used the internet as our press release tool and we rocked! Instead of
going crazy like we had nine months before when the Brigade had
received their alert notice, we were controlling the flow of
information better than the media outlets. We simply told the media
that we would do everything we could to get them their interviews as
long as they sent their requests via email. With email we were able to
track every request in our database and I was able to call all the
media outlets to conduct TV and telephone interviews. Within the first
few crushing hours, my MSG and I conducted more than 20 interviews.

5:00 p.m. We all gathered around the TVs to see if our efforts were
successful. We were amazed at how well the media actually told our
story. We were able to get all the information to the public and it
was accurate! We hit a home run. At 6:00 p.m. General Toney visited
our office and told us that we had done a great job informing the
public, we knew that we had done a great job, but the recognition was
nice too.

As the days ticked by toward the Nov. 15th mobilization date of the
81st Brigade, our days were filled with interviews, press releases,
tracking down soldiers for interviews and even helping Dateline,
Nightline and other major media outlets the days flew by quickly. It
was so much fun to be in the center of the storm knowing that we were
in control of our environment and that the media was happy. Many,
many journalists told me, "We've never had access like this before." I
always told them that we were here to help them inform the public and
we were happy to do so. I was in my element, I was living my dream
job.

December 1st, I walked into the office and everyone looked at me and I
said, "The MOB (mobilization) order came in, didn't it?" They nodded
and handed me the orders that had been faxed from the Pentagon and
there it was, the 122nd MPAD was on the list for deployment to
Operation Iraqi Freedom 2 with a report date of January 3, 2004. There
it was in black and white, my marching orders sending me to Iraq. I
had 30 days to prepare for deployment. That night I had to tell Doug
and it was not an easy conversation. He was upset and kept telling me
that I should have resigned when he asked me too. I was feeling scared
and worried at the same time, but ready to go.

A few days later I reported for the December drill at the unit and the
deployment was the topic of every discussion. I had been warning the
soldiers for months that we would be going sooner or later, I just
thought it would be in Operation Iraqi Freedom 3 not OIF2. However,
the MPAD was ready and we started the long process of packing and
readying ourselves for the deployment.

I had to go through the Soldiers Readiness Program that day so I would
be free for briefings when we had to report in January. All day I went
from station to station going over my personnel file updating my
information and making decisions like increasing my life insurance
benefit for my beneficiaries. I also had to write my will with the
help of the JAG officers who were amused by some of my comments. I had
to designate who would get my personal belongings, camera equipment,
photo archives, funeral arrangements etc.

Not very many people have to make these decisions at such a young age,
but it really makes you think about what you want you want to take
place after your death. I asked for a military funeral in a military
cemetery and that my husband would get all of my belongings. Later
that day, I wrote a letter to be included with my will stipulating
specifics for my funeral and a letter to be read to my friends and
family. I wanted to get the last word.

At the end of that day, I had to go through the physical exam and
everything was a "Go", but then I hit a snag. I was determined unfit
for duty due to my back injury received one year earlier. When the
Colonel told me this information, I could see his lips moving, but my
mind was not thinking of what he was saying. I was thinking that Doug
would be so happy to hear my news. However, at the same time I knew
that I would be letting my troops down as they would have to go to Iraq
with another commanding officer who didn't know them and may not be as
good at the job as myself. I was conflicted, I really wanted to go and
get my combat command as a Public Affairs Officer. I had been
preparing for this moment since 1993 and now I couldn't go. I would
never be able to say, I had been there.

It was a long drive home that night and I was missing Doug's movie
night party in our newly installed home theatre, but I knew he wouldn't
be disappointed when I shared my news with him. During the long rainy
drive, I kept thinking that I had been given a reprieve, but I felt
guilty for being left behind. How was I going to reconcile this with
my soldiers? Who would watch over them? Who would fight for the
journalistic integrity of my soldiers? All these thoughts occupied my
mind as I watched the headlights and tail lights on the hour long drive
home.

I got home and everyone was watching Star Wars and I said hello to
everyone. They were all asking me questions about the deployment etc.
because Doug had told them that I was going to Iraq and now they were
personally affected by the war. Of course, they were curious. In a
moment of privacy I told Doug that I was not going and he hugged me so
hard that I thought I'd break, he was happy and then again he told me
that I needed to get out now. I told him that I couldn't, that I had
to help get the 81st Infantry Brigade ready and the my soldiers in the
MPAD too. I was going to stay on active duty for a couple of months
until everyone shipped out. He wasn't happy about to hear that, but he
was relieved that I would be staying home. In a way, I was too, but I
just wished that I wasn't the one being left behind.

About a week later, I had to have some surgery to remove some fibroids
and it was not fun. My mother flew up to help us out as I was not able
to do much of anything for several days afterwards. It took a few
weeks to recuperate and then I was back to work helping to get 4,000
Washington National Guardsmen get ready for deployment to Iraq. The
days were long, but I loved my role as spokesman for the National
Guard. I was living in my dream job.

In February my doctor began another round of treatment and to our great
surprise we found out that I was pregnant in March. Our lives changed
in an instant and we were so happy. On the drive home from the
doctor's office, I started thinking about my car accident and the lady
that hit me and I always asked, "why me?" Maybe it happened because it
prompted me to find another fertility specialist and it kept me from
going to Iraq? I'm not sure if there was a reason for the accident
except that I was at the right place at the wrong time and now I suffer
long term results from my injuries, but we now have Finnegan and he's
the best reason of all.