October 2004 Archives

Everyday after eating breakfast, it is part of my ritual to check my
email. Usually it's loaded with all kinds of offers to miraculously
change my life, but I seldom even read these emails which are destined
for the trash can. However, today was different.

Doug and I were eating breakfast and he was reading his book. Not
wanting to be left in silence I started to sort through my email and
the very last message scared me and made me cry. I must have gasped
because Doug looked at me and then got worried as the tears started to
roll down my face. He asked me what had happened and I couldn't even
talk, I just turned the laptop toward him to read the message for
himself. He didn't say a word, he just understood the fear every
soldier faces when confronted with their own mortality.

It was a very short message from one of my soldiers, SFC Randy Wong and
it reminded me that no matter what everyone keeps telling us, Iraq is a
dangerous place.

"Ma'am,
I'm heading for Fallujah shortly. The reports are saying it's heavy
fighting and that the insurgents intend to make a stand. So I'll be
out of the net for a while.
But if something happens to me, I'd appreciate it if you'd look in on
Patti. I know it's a bad time for you but we don't have too much
family in the area. I know she trusts you.
Randy"

It's such a short message and yet it so concisely relates that he is
carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I'm worried about
him and I pray for his safety and for those going into battle with him.

Randy's request made me reach out to my family to include him in their
prayers. I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I know that
prayer is powerful and right now Randy needs someone to pray for him.
Hopefully, the good thoughts from all of my family and friends will
help him.

All I can do now is wait for the next email.

I have been creating maternity photos for the past two years for several of my clients and when it was my turn to do the same it just didn't work out right, But, after two tries the perverbial third time was the charm and I finally have some beautiful photos of my pregnancy and I just love them. These were done by a friend of mine and she did a fantastic job of making a pregnant lady look great.

Nine years ago, October 26th, 1995 was the worst day of my life.
That's the day that I was given a Red Cross message informing me that
my Grandfather had died. I wish that I still had that small piece of
paper that so unraveled my being in order to look at it when times are
tough to remind me that nothing could be as bad as that day. I
remember the raw pain of feeling left alone in the world. The harsh
reality of his loss struck me so hard that I couldn't talk or even
think of what I should be doing. I was incapacitated with grief and
just wanted to call him and talk to him one last time because I never
had a chance to say goodbye.

It took me a long time to mourn my grandfather's passing. Nothing
helped me. My every waking moment was filled with the thought of
knowing that my Grandfather was not alive anymore and my heart ached to
tell him how much I had loved him. I regretted that I never really
told him how much he had done for me. How he saved me from obscurity
and taught me that anything was possible. My sadness was deep because
I had lost the one person who had loved me unconditionally and asked
nothing in return.

If we are lucky, we may meet one person in our life who will love us
unconditionally and show us the joy that life has to offer. It might
be one of our parents, a friend, or a grandparent. My grandfather was
that person for me. He was my father's father and he took care of me
when I left home after high school. He was the most influential person
in my young adult life and today I still miss him.

I'm not grieving anymore, because time has made me realize that I had
been given a precious gift of love and friendship and that I didn't
need to say goodbye to my grandfather because he knew how I felt about
him. Because of him, I took advantage of the opportunities that were
presented to me. I was the first in my family to graduate from
college, the first female to join the Army and the first person to
become a commissioned officer. My grandfather was present for all of
these events and he was proud of me and I of him because he had
inspired me to never give up my dreams.

Today, I find myself doubly blessed because my husband is very much
like my grandfather in that he supports my goals and dreams and knows
that nothing is impossible. He is different in that he is my husband
and my life partner and would do anything for me. Nine years ago, I
knew he was special because he helped me through the grieving process
by just letting me cry without saying a word or asking for an
explanation. He was just there to support me.

It took a long time to get over my grandfather's death. But the one
thing that I did learn is this; one cannot experience true joy without
knowing deep sadness. Today I am thankful for all things that come
into my life, especially Doug.

I went to the mall yesterday to find a special hat for going to the
hospital, but it's so hard to find something unique. Anyway, I am
getting pretty big now and everyone kept asking me when I'm due. I
must look huge! But, at least I look good.

Everyone kept telling me to get all the sleep I can before the baby is
born, but I just can't sleep anymore. I think that women give me this
advice because they couldn't sleep either. But the truth of the matter
is that few pregnant women can sleep the last few weeks leading up to
childbirth because they are so uncomfortable.
I don't look forward to going to bed because I know that I'll wake up
every 60-120 minutes to go to the bathroom and getting out of bed is
painful. My hips are getting so loose that they pop every time I roll
over and my legs constantly hurt.

Lately, I've been worried about my little dog, Grenade. He's been my
baby for more than nine years and I don't want him to be neglected.
Doug keeps telling me that Grenade has been my surrogate baby and that
I have to get used to the idea that he will not take center stage
anymore. I know what he's saying is true, but I just can't help
worrying about my little bundle of fur. I had some really cute photos
taken with Grenade. He was so funny because he knew that he was the
center of attention and he had his happy clown face on for the camera,
the images were really great.

I guess I'm ready now. Aside from getting the car seat inspected, I
think we are done. I've been listening to my hypnotherapy CDs and
eating like I should. The diapers arrived yesterday and my mom will be
here after Thanksgiving. So, now we wait.

I just wish that I could sleep some more.

Yesterday I called my mother to coordinate her travel arrangements to
visit Doug and I after the baby is born. She's very excited about her
first grandchild and has already crocheted enough booties for his first
year. A few weeks ago, I had to tell my mom that I didn't want her
here for the actual birth for several reasons; I don't want anyone in
the birthing room other than my support team, we don't know when the
baby will be born, and Doug and I want some private time to bond with
the baby without people telling us what to do. My sister told me that
I had hurt my mom's feelings and I felt bad about that, but this could
be the only child we ever have and I want us to have an intimate family
experience with just the three of us. I feel bad for being selfish in
this respect, but it's how we want it to be.

As we were discussing the dates and travel times I mentioned that it
would be great if she could come up during Thanksgiving week and she
immediately said, "No, after." I said why not? And of course she said
she didn't want to be here during the holiday. I became unglued. I
immediately told her that Thanksgiving is not a religious holiday and
it's mostly a tradition of homecoming to spend time with the family.
But, my mother is a Jehovah's Witness and there's nothing I can say to
convince her otherwise.
She has been brainwashed to believe that all holidays are pagan
activities and must be avoided at all costs.

The reason I got so upset is because my Mother's choice of religious
practice has caused me and my siblings so much pain in our lives. We
have been robbed of a happy relationship with our mother because she
won't celebrate any of life's special moments. Can you imagine a life
without celebrating baby's first birthday, first Christmas, baptism,
holidays etc? I can, because we lived it. My life as a child was a
long string of days without the possibility of special days to break up
the monotony of our poverty. We couldn't participate in the Pledge of
Allegiance, holiday plays or concerts, couldn't play Dungeons &
Dragons, not allowed to play sports or to date anyone "of the World."
It was miserable. To say that I didn't think of suicide, is to say
that the sky is not blue. I wanted out more that anything I have every
wanted in my life, I was a prisoner and until I was able to leave home
of my own accord my room was my cell and the Jehovah's Witnesses were
my jailers.

There was no joy in my home life because every Tuesday, Thursday and
Sunday were meeting days and we had to go. If we didn't go, I had to
suffer the consequences which meant I could not go to the football
game, use the car, go to my dance class (which I paid for) or go
skiing. It was worse than being grounded. We were always told that we
had to go to the "meetings." It wasn't mass or church that we
attended, they were "meetings" in a windowless building where there
were no classes for children and we all sat in theatre seats facing
forward listening to the "elders" who were mostly uneducated white men
who were telling us what to do. Oh, and by the way, women were and
still are forbidden to give lectures to the congregation. To say that
I hated it, only scrapes at the sore that I have borne all these years.

There was another side to this that my mother fails to remember, the
treatment received from the other witness kids. I was an achiever and
excelled in track & field events as a matter of fact, one of my long
distance records still stands twenty years after I finished the race,
but this accomplishment was met with disgust and shame because I was
recognized in the newspaper for my feat. But, for me it meant that I
got in trouble at home, got counseled by the elders and the witness
kids were calling me a harlot of the world! Can you believe that? I
was treated as if I were the vermon of the earth. I still have the
newspaper clipping in my scrapbook and consider it a badge of defiance
against the regime.

When I left home, my grandparents welcomed me with open arms and I
spent my first real Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Celebrations
with them. It was such a departure from the miserable nothing special
days we would spend at our house. We were so poor that the Lion's Club
and the VFW would give us a Thanksgiving and Christmas box each year.
They were so generous and every time we received the boxes my mother
would remove anything that had a holiday motif or icon on it. Which
meant no candy canes, no Christmas candy and no stockings. It was
"just" a box of food that our friends gave to us each year. Of course
we did not have a turkey dinner on any holidays, instead my mom would
cook the turkey, strip the meat from the bones and store it in the
freezer for future meal preparation.

As an adult, I can understand why my mother embraced the Jehovah's
Witnesses. She was poor, with three children and every week someone
cared enough to pick us up and take us to the meeting on Sunday.
During the week, a Spanish speaking woman would visit for a bible study
and would teach my mother English. If I was in her situation, I may
have done the same thing. I'm sure she thought she was doing the best
that she could for us at the time and the concept of not celebrating
Christmas meant that she didn't have to worry about buying presents
with the little money that she had. It really makes a lot of sense
from that perspective. But, the thing that was missing, was the joy in
sharing special days with one another.

I don't go home to visit very often because I really don't have many
reasons to. I do love my mother and all, but I don't need to go home
for Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year's, her birthday, her anniversary
or anything special. The last big event in my family was my wedding
and of course she came and totally surprised me when she respected my
choice of religious ceremony and didn't stay seated through the whole
ceremony, unlike Doug's dad who sat through the whole thing. Even my
non-Catholic friends stood when prompted to. I was amazed and happy
that she was enjoying the wedding and having a good time with Doug's
Grandma.

Now I fear that my mother won't come to the Baptism in January because
the Witnesses don't believe in childhood baptisms, but it's a
significant family event and I hope she will come. I dread the day
when our son wonders why Grandma doesn't celebrate holidays and I'll
have to explain to him the differences in religious beliefs with the
hope that he will develop a greater tolerance for religious freedoms.
I hope that we can create some special non-holiday family events that
my mother will feel comfortable with.

I guess what I've always wanted is a non-judgmental relationship free
of religious strife with my mother where she accepts my choices and is
happy with the person that I've become. Doug tells me that I shouldn't
beat myself up about it because we are such different people. He's
right, we are different. I wish that I could be a more loving person
and not get mad about the differences and embrace the commonalities,
but there really aren't that many. We come from different worlds and
experiences and my world view is totally different from hers.

Maybe the birth of our son will give me the clarity of mind to find the
maternal bonds that link all mothers and daughters across the
generations and give me a second chance at building a better
relationship with my mother.

After tossing and turning and listening to my dog snore for about an
hour last night, I had to get out of bed. My belly was aching from
being in the wrong position and so I did the next best thing when I
can't sleep. I checked my email.

There's something about reading spam from anonymous people who want to
set me up on a date, improve my sex life, sell me a mortgage or show me
the latest must have gadget that gets me to thinking about what's
really important. As I starred at the glow from the screen I had an
inspiration, why not start a grass roots movement that my family can
get actively involved with and help some troops? Thus, Operation Santa
Claus was born. They say that necessity is the motherhood of invention
and boy did I need help with this project. My unit is currently in
Baghdad and I am unable to send out Christmas care packages to all of
them because I just can't shop and go to the Post Office anymore. I
really need to spend the next two weeks at home nesting for the new
baby.

So, in the wee hours of the morning I crafted an email to send to
everyone on the politically active Treder Family email list to find out
if they would help me send Christmas Cheer to some hard working troops.
After the final review, I sent it. To my amazement, people started
responding immediately! Uncle Al & Mary Treder, his daugher Anne in
Washington said, "We're in!" The newly married Sara Treder Yarrington
in Michigan, Peter Wolff from NY, Carrie Treder and others enlisted to
help too. Everyone was happy even excited to dive in and help right
away. Al even talked his mother, Grandma Marie Treder into baking
cookies for the troops. As we speak she's firing up the old stove to
make her famous lemon bars and peanut butter and chocolate bars. They
are in for a treat!

It is amazing what a little thing a care package can do for a soldier's
morale who's out in the field. I remember when Doug and I were in
Korea and he'd get care packages from his mother, Anna. I usually
heard about it from my co-worker, Bob Cosgrove, his roommate and I'd
high tail it over to his house after work to find out what he got.
Even if I didn't get a care package I shared in his delight. His
packages were always packed with popcorn, cookies, candy and pears from
Harry & David! When I saw that first care package I knew that his
mother was awesome and I loved her for sending that package to him
because it made him so happy.

When my fellow soldiers from the 122nd Mobile Public Affairs Detachment
start receiving their care packages from the Treder Family from all
over the United States, they will be part of the continuing tradition
of family sending soldiers a little bit of love in a box from home.

If you'd like to support the troops too, send your care package to: Any soldier, C/O 1SG William Kuhns, 122nd MPAD, HHC, 1st CAV - PAO, APO, AE 09344 Thank you for your support!

We are in a really critical political time right now and this election
will be really close, again. However, I've heard people say that they
have to choose between the lesser of two evils. I disagree with that
line of thinking because the facts bear out the ideologies and actions
of both candidates running for office; Bush vs Kerry. If you read
their plans for America it's clear to see who will be best for the
"entire" population of the United States.

I've also heard people saying they don't like the political system that
we have and are going to vote for Nader out of protest. I commend
these individuals for their idealism, but they will actually be
throwing their vote away and that's what the Bush administration is
counting on. Why not vote for Kerry in protest against the actions of
the Republican Party?

The following link will refer you to an article of actions that various
Republican parties are actively committing to disenfranchise voters all
over the country. I was appalled to learn that these things are
happening in our country! If the city names were from Afghanistan,
Iraq or South America I would not be surprised, but it's happening in
Nevada, Michigan, and Florida just to name a few. These actions are
reprehensible and it it's up to us to take a stand to protect our
fellow American's right to vote. Are we so callous and jaded that we
are willing to ignore the situations in other states that we will
continue to endorse the leader of the Republican party who is
responsible for the actions of his entire party?
http://www.politrix.org/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1372

Or are we so content with our situation that we'd rather stick with the
status quo and let other Americans be bullied? My friends, the status
quo is changing and all the safety nets that prop up our economy are
being compromised. Are we waiting until our rights are violate or our
company pension is cut? When will we get mad and take some action? Do
we really think that company pensions are going to last? Ask the
former employees of American Airlines, United Airlines and others. In
a market driven economy nothing is certain. If you are familiar with
Adam Smith's theory of the dialectical, an economy will do anything to
protect itself, but eventually there will be times of struggle or
revolution and the economy will make a drastic change before it gets
better. We are in one of these economical revolutions and corporate
welfare is failing. So, what's next?

http://www.jsonline.com/bym/news/aug04/252749.asp
cut employee pension plans
http://www.careerjournalasia.com/myc/retirement/20030407-francis.html
CEOs pension plans are protected


Veterans have been suffering from this for years. I'm affected by this
myself. If I put in another eight years of service which will
inevitably send me to Afghanistan in January 2007 (I've been told) and
probably Iraq in 2005 or 2006 with the possibility of receiving
injuries or serious illnesses to protect our country, I will only
receive 45% of my actual retirement pay. Then there is the problem of
medical care. As a veteran I'm entitled to military medical care, but
active duty personnel are always treated first, then family members and
then veterans at the big hospitals. However, in the rural areas the
veteran's hospitals are closing at an alarming rate and the veterans
aren't near any medical facility. This 45% figure is safe for the
moment, but there is nothing to stop congress from cutting it even
more. So why should I continue to serve when those who do not can go
out get a better paying job and save for his retirement while I am
subjected to separation from family, financial hardship and possibly
"make the ultimate sacrifice for my nation." Military members are
already making the ultimate sacrifice of their youth to protect their
country. They and their families endure long periods of separation,
low wages and disrespect, but how will the public treat them when they
are old and imfirmed?

Even though I have held my service to country in the highest regard,
I'm resigning my commission as a Major in the United States Army. If
you knew how hard I worked to get to this level, you'd know that it is
not easy for me to give it up. But, I have to for my husband, my
unborn child and for my future with them. And I do see a future. I'm
going to vote with my conscience this year and I hope that you do too.
I am going to vote for the people who will do what is best for all of
us and not just big business or special interest groups. I'm not
going to throw my vote away in protest, because that action will only
help the side that seeks political power for personal political gain.

As I look at the political horizon, I see a future that is in peril and
I just hope that the dawn brings a future that is filled with hope and
aspirations and not based on fear.

Rude customers are sometimes hard to deal with. I've been working with
one of my brides to finish her wedding album and she's driving me
crazy.
Her wedding was a year ago and she's mad at me that she's just now
getting her album, but then she didn't make the final decisions on
photos until
the end of May 2004. I told her that it takes 2-3 months to complete a
wedding album, but that hers would take even longer because she wanted
a custom made album with special pages in it. So, I told her it would
take at least another month for that. So, for her the clock started
ticking and she
expected it in two months because she was moving out of state.

Well, after trying to order the album I discovered that the
manufacturer would not do a custom album like I needed. I was stuck.
I told the bride that
I was checking with some other manufacturers, but they wouldn't do it
either. She was adamant about the design and didn't want to change it.
So,
I had to make the pages myself. They ended up looking nice, but I
wasn't 100% happy with it. So, I shipped off the album and guess what
happened?
It got caught in one of the hurricanes and was completely damaged!
Nothing was salvageable; $700 down the drain.

I informed the bride in August and told her that I needed to re-order
the album cover, pages, materials, photos etc. She wasn't happy and
started complaining.
What was I to do?

Round 2: Another big expense and a lot of time. Everything finally
came in and as luck would have it. We were in the middle of moving and
I had to stop work on all of my projects. After pulling three
all-nighters and reprinting the photos about seven times the album was
done. It shipped via FEDEX overnight in time for her anniversary which
cost me $101 and as luck would have it, she hated it. She sent me a
terribly long email about how here whole family was distressed and that
she couldn't sleep at night etc, etc. Feeling really bad about the
whole thing, I sent her a special chocolate/coffee gift basket and a
day of pampering at a Spa in her town. The gifts went out
that day. No response from the bride. I actually had to call the
vendors to find out if they sent the gifts. They did. Hmm....

Round 3: The Bride sent back the album COD $59.00 along with 57
post-it notes telling me what was wrong with the album. She even added
a ton of changes for me to do digital liposuction on everyone of her
photos, on her mother, head swaps where people had their eyes closed
and too many other details to mention. She also sent a very long email
basically telling me that I was a horrible photographer and that I
needed to make all the changes ASAP or hire someone who could get the
job done. I was totally stressed out. She also sent me several nasty
voicemail messages. At this point, I basically had to shut down for a
few days. I didn't answer my email, voicemail or even work on her
album because I needed a timeout.

After a couple of days I resumed my hectic schedule and worked on the
album. I literally pulled two all-nighters to make it happen. The
another email arrived telling me that she wanted her cousin to inspect
the album before I mailed it to her. Mind you, her cousin is not a
photographer and does not have the same critical eye as her cousin.
So, I was in a dilemma. I finished the album, called the cousin and
then she arrived to "inspect" my work. She made a few changes to the
album and then I asked if her if she wanted to "inspect" it again. She
said it was fine to go with the changes. As soon as she left, I rushed
to get the work done. Rushed the photos through the lab and paid 200%
more for the fast work. Then I packaged the album so it would
withstand a nuclear blast and added five small albums for her to give
to her mother and all of her bridesmaids to make up for the hard
feelings and to redeem my reputation. The next day it shipped
overnight via USPS. I was so relieved that it was done that I just
slept and laid around the rest of the day.

The dreaded email: Several days later. I received another nasty gram
from the "Bride" and all she could do was talk about how terrible one
of the pages was in the album. No acknowledgment of the $1300 worth of
extra albums that I sent to her, or of all the work that I did on the
album to make her look beautiful in every single photo. She actually
demanded that slim her down in every single photo, basically lopping
off about 15 pounds. I won't even go into the plastic surgery I had to
do on her mother.
All I can say, is that I am a damn good digital artist! To add insult
to injury she even left me a nasty voicemail. I was so mad about how
ungrateful she was that I didn't return her email for a week.

Nearing the end: Today, I sent the Bride a note telling her that her
problem page was almost complete and that it would be sent out in a
couple of days. In my haste to get all of my wedding albums done, I've
finally finished her page and it will ship tomorrow.

I've had some difficult clients before, but she has been by far and
above the worst client for several reasons; 1) she was unhappy with
her wedding cake, 2) she was upset with how her divorced parents acted
around each other, 3) she was not happy with the way she looked (20
pounds over weight) and 4) she was unhappy about having to move to
North Carolina and so she focused all of her discontent, unhappiness
and boredom into and obsession over the photo album. I was the lucky
recipient of all of her unhappiness.

If I hadn't been pregnant through this whole process I would have
reacted differently, but every time I got a nasty gram from her or a
nasty voice mail I could feel my blood pressure go up and I just
couldn't deal with it at times. The other day, I figured out what it
cost me to complete her contract and it amazed me. She actually paid
me $3200 to photograph her wedding and provide her with an album and
all of the negatives. But after I tallied all of the hours and money
spent on her, the actual value was more than $6700! I couldn't believe
that I spent 166 hours working for her.

From now on, I'm adopting a new attitude about my work. 1) I can do
anything you like, but it may cost extra. 2) if you want it done right
and fast, it won't be cheap. 3) custom work just costs more. 4) I
won't sacrifice time with my family for someone who doesn't deserve it.
5) I'm not going to give anyone anything for free. 6) I'm only going
to love the people who love me back.

As self-employed people we will always encounter individuals who think
they can take advantage of us because we work out of our home and
therefore, do not consider us to be as legitimate as a storefront
owner. However, when we let someone into our home, we should be as
cautious as a lion in his own den and let everyone know what the ground
rules are up front and nobody gets hurt.

I woke up this morning after a long stretch of sleep and six trips to
the bathroom. It's funny though, I had all these dreams about doing
things and I wasn't pregnant. So, when I woke up and began to feel the
back pain and body aches settle in, the thought suddenly struck me, "Oh
my gosh, I'm pregnant!"

This has happened to me before over the past few weeks and it's not due
to regret or anything, it's just that I keep dreaming of myself in my
pre-pregnancy body. Now I understand what everyone else has been
telling me about the final weeks of pregnancy and weird dreams. I've
got to finish some more of my wedding photography projects and then I
can send out the email to everyone about being on maternity leave from
my business.

In my dream, I was working on a political campaign and I ran into one
of my old college mates. He kept glancing at me from afar and I was
too busy to go and talk to him. We were working for different
candidates and yet on the same team again. I went about my business
and easily found myself gobbled up into the frenzy of the event and
eventually swept away without being able to talk to him. I'm not quite
sure what the dreams mean, but I think it's just an affirmation of the
transition that I'm going through. Who knows?

Now that my schedule is winding down I keep thinking about my life
prior to 9/11, when I was living the jet-set life. Every few weeks I
was traveling to teach at some photography conference, attending an
Army school in Washington, DC, visiting family or flying to a wedding
in another state. I felt successful and was relishing the freedom that
I had to do these things. However, today travel is the last thing on
my mind, unless Doug wants to go to Italy then I'll pack my bags in a
hurry.
In a couple of weeks, I won't be able to pick up and fly around the
country at a moments notice anymore because my baby will be my top
priority. However, I will have a beautiful baby boy to take care of and
taking him for walks in the park will be all the traveling that I will
want for a while.

Wednesday night, Doug and I met with Sally Avenson, who I hope will be
my midwife. She was highly recommended by several people and
accredited with my insurance company. After spending the whole day
working out insurance details to cover the birthing center, the midwife
and the pediatrician, Doug and I went to meet with Sally.

When we arrived at her house I was a bit skeptical because it looked
like a total remodeling job in progress. All the walls were in various
states of demolition or repair and clutter everywhere. One curious
item caught my eye; a book about mothers and babies from around the
world. There were great photos of mother and babies from faraway
places and guess what? I didn't see a pile of plastic toys and stuff
surrounding each baby. We buy too much junk in this country. When I
was stationed in Korea, the mothers used to tie the baby to their back
and off they'd go to shop or even work in the rice paddys. I always
admired them when I saw the little baby bundles on their backs.

Sally's office was fairly tidy and one of her walls was dedicated to a
collage of the many babies she's delivered. I couldn't count them all,
but it was a testament to her good work. Sally had many question to
ask and a wealth of information to share with us. Unfortunately, at
the end of our conversation she did not feel I was a good candidate for
a birth at the Community and Family Birthing Center. She did however,
know my OBGYN and said that if Dr. Daniel said it was okay then, she
would do it.

Yesterday, Doug and I went to see Dr. Daniel and everything was going
great. The stress test was good, lots of fetal movement and my blood
sugars looked good too.
But, when we told Dr. Daniel that we wanted to have an out of hospital
birth she didn't think it was a good idea because the baby needs to
have his blood sugars monitored for the first 24 hours. I was
crestfallen, my dreams of labor and delivery in a serene environment
faded completely from view. Dr. Daniel recommended the hospital birth
because I needed to have more medical care available then what the
birth center could offer, which is basically a do-it-yourself method.

So, a change of plans are in motion and we will be transferring to the
Swedish Birthing Center in Ballard which is pretty close to our house
and they only deliver about 70 babies per month compared to 700 per
month at the main hospital in downtown Seattle. The rooms aren't as
nice as at the birthing center, but at least I'll still have a chance
at a natural child birth with medical backup if I need it.

It's funny. Four years ago, Doug and I began this adventure of
starting a family and it took more than three years to realize our
dream. For the first year I was defiant because I couldn't believe
that I could fail at something as simple as getting pregnant. How
could I not do that? I've planned so many things in my life and I
didn't have any control over this one little thing. The second year, I
was just mad and getting desperate from having to use so much medical
science that didn't seem to be working. And of course the third year,
I started asking lots of questions until I got the results I wanted.
At times it's been depressing and at others down right laughable. I'll
have to write more about some of my experiences along the way, but for
now it's nice to know that I'm in the home stretch and ready to take
things as they happen. It's nice to be able to plan everything, but
life is a force of nature and can't be predicted, so I'll just do my
best to have a healthy baby under any circumstances necessary.

I was having trouble bending over today putting on my socks. It's
almost impossible. Doug had to help me a couple of days ago. My belly
is getting bigger and bigger and a lot of my clothes don't fit anymore.
I have Barney Rubble feet and no ankles. My legs are starting to
look like tree trunks.

I can hardly bend over and pick up Grenade which is problematic because
he can't get up or down the stairs without being carried. Just 35
days to go and I'll be able to bend at the waist again. No cleaning is
getting done around the house. I can't even think about getting on my
hands and knees to clean the tub or shower, which really need it. How
can it be that I have grown so much in the past two weeks?

Last night I stepped on the scale and it read 130.5 pounds. That's a
total gain of 20 pounds, which isn't bad by any means, but I feel so
swollen. My watch and wedding ring don't fit right anymore and my
shoes are too small. Guess I better waddle off to bed. Ya that's
right, I now have a waddle because my legs are so stiff. Who knew?

I guess the time has come where my body says it's time to slow down
because I am so tired. Yesterday I kept falling asleep while working
on my photography stuff. Today I've been awake for two hours and I'm
already tired and looking forward to a nap!

Yesterday, I had to run a few errands and it was all I could do to get
them done. Not only is my belly getting too big to fit behind the
steering wheel, but my reflexes are slower. The thing that bugs me
more than anything is my boggled memory. If I don't write something
down, it's completely wiped from my memory. If Doug tells me something
and I don't write it down or read it in an email, it's gone. One of my
friends calls it, mommyheimers. She is so right.

I hate to admit it, but I'm too tired to write a full blown story, so
I'll just finish up here.

Yesterday, my best friend threw a baby shower for me at our new home in Seattle. I was truly surprised by her generosity of time, thoughtfulness and energy.
In two weeks, she was able to contact more than 20 of my friends and photography colleagues for a wonderful party.

The weather was perfect; 70 degrees with shade and a nice breeze which allowed us to have the party on our deck. Jenny and her friend Lori decorated all the tables with linens and glasses and sprigs of fragrant rosemary. With their knowledge of wedding decor they expertly transformed my deck into a very elegant afternoon luncheon.
They piled a table high with sandwiches, punch and a beautiful cake of a baby in a bassinet under a blanket. For entertainment they had several games planned with some truly amazing prizes. The gifts were bottles of savory flavored olive oils, spice packs and a home spa package. The grand prize was a paraffin hand wax treatment. Every guest went home with a vanilla raspberry hand lotion and a coffee/chocolate with biscotti gift pack.
The party was lots of fun and at first I felt like I should be the one taking care of everyone or at least taking photos. For years I've been going to baby showers and finally I was attending my own party. It was nice to sit back and enjoy the moment.
Ultimately, it didn't matter to me if, Doug and I received any presents. What made me happy was knowing that my friends were anticipating my impending motherhood with great joy, knowing how much we wanted to have a child. I felt a true sense of love and sharing from my friends.
When I started opening presents I made the comment that I couldn't believe that this was actually happening and that it didn't seem real to me. But after opening all the presents and seeing the little clothes, blankets and bottles it started to feel real and I was getting excited. There were three other babies at our party; Ian and Maya, two months and Anthony 5.5 months. They were all so cute and I carefully looked at each one of them wondering what my little boy would look like.
This morning I woke up and began staring at the empty crib in our bedroom and I remembered what one of our guests said the day before as he was leaving. "Does it feel real yet? said Jon Swartz. "Yes," I replied and as I ran my hand along the rail of the cherry wood crib and looked at the little rabbits on the crib sheets I wanted nothing more than to be staring at the face of our little boy.
It feels real now and I can't wait to meet him.

I haven't talked much about pain lately. Mostly because I try to block
it from the forefront of my mind. However, I was lucky for a while and
my daily pain eased up during July and August and allowed me to get a
lot of work done, but it's back in full force now.

This morning I got up and was really grouchy due to lack of food and
intense pain radiating down my back and legs. I was instantly mad at
Doug for getting good sleep while I did not. I know that there is pain
associated with pregnancy, but I just can't sleep at night and it makes
be really, really grouchy.

Do you know how hard it is to roll over when you have a big belly? Try
strapping a twenty pound basketball to your stomach and try to roll
over. It's hard and my hips pop when I move at night. I've tried to
sleep on my back, but the baby doesn't like it and he kicks me in the
ribs to roll onto my side. When I attempted this last night I tweaked
my upper back. With 35 days and a wake up to go, I'm getting tired as
my belly gets bigger.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to have a natural childbirth and I even
selected the birthing center last week and met my midwife yesterday. I
know that these choices will give Doug and I a much better birthing
experience than in a hospital, but I'm really going to have to tough it
out in the absence of pain killers. I know I can do it. I keep
reminding myself of all the painful training I did in the Army and I
know that I can bear the pain without drugs because I've done it
before. I'd list them all here, but you would think that I was a woos
for even worrying about childbirth pain.

Guess I'll just take another hot shower and rub my belly for a while
and see if that helps. If only I could have chocolate, I know that
would make me feel better!

After listening to all the political rhetoric lately it occurred to me
that many people may not understand what the first amendment of the
constitution is all about.

Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or
prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of
speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to
assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

After reading this amendment it just amazes me how much we as a society
want to trample on the first amendment rights of individuals who do not
agree with our personal religious beliefs despite the fact that our
country was founded by individuals escaping religious freedom.
Let's consider the hot button issue of abortion and consider these
points:
1. freedom of choice
2. use of fair judgment
3. legislation

According to the 1st Amendment (1A), everyone within the boundaries of
the United States has the freedom to practice their religion, so why do
so many people in this country want to enforce their religious beliefs
of Pro Life on everyone else? The last time I checked, we all still
have the personal freedom of choice.

We can either choose to obey the laws or not. We can choose to be
happy or not. A woman can choose to vote or not and if she elects to
have an abortion, she can make that choice too. I won't go into the
women's issues here.

Individually we choose and vote for our President. But, wait... if a
candidate is Pro Choice, he's suddenly labeled a pariah. It's quite
troublesome that many voters won't even consider the Pro Choice
candidate based on this fact. In actuality the Pro Choice candidate is
a centrist and better able to consider both sides of a story because
their judgment is not clouded by biased religious convictions.

Consider the Biblical example of King Solomon and the story of the
stolen baby which illustrates the idea of fairness.
There were two women in Jerusalem who went to see the King with a big
problem. Each woman had a baby, but during the night one of the babies
died. The mother of the dead baby, very quietly, changed her child for
the other woman's baby.

The woman whose child was stolen told the King that when she wanted to
feed her baby she found that it was dead. Then she saw that the dead
baby was not her child. Each woman said the baby was hers. King Solomon
had to find out who the real mother of the living baby was so, he told
a soldier to cut the living baby in half, so each woman could have part
of the baby. The real mother pleaded for the King not to hurt the baby,
but rather give it to the other woman. But the other woman agreed to
have the baby cut in half. In the end, Solomon gave the baby to the
woman who was prepared to give it away to save its life. This story
illustrates that Solomon was fair, he listened to both sides of the
story and then determined who the rightful mother was and returned the
baby.

I find it hard to see eye-to-eye with George Bush on the Anti-abortion
issue because he also supports the death penalty. This is a major
contradiction. Why is it okay to kill one and not the other? Is there
a religious basis for Capital Punishment? I don't think so, unless you
harken back to an eye-for-an-eye mentality found in the old testament,
but we have a judicial system to work out the details of a crime and
our peers who help decide the outcome along with the judge who meters
out the punishment.

In this country we pass legislation to better our society with laws
that a meant to protect our citizens. This process is not done by one
person. The President of the United States is a member of the
Executive Branch and although he has great influence, it's Congress who
creates the laws, so if you really are against abortion then you better
lobby Congress.

I get the impression that many people think that a vote for George Bush
will overturn Roe VS. Wade, but it didn't happen in the past four
years, so how is that going to change in the next four years? No
politician really wants to change that amendment because they know that
it would be political suicide, that's why so many candidates are
Pro-Choice. It's better for them to bandy the abortion issue about
during political debate because people get so fired up about it and
forget about the other important issues out there. It's easier for
politicos to answer the question by allowing the woman to choose. And
why shouldn't they say that? If they truly believe in the 1A, then
they must support an individual's right to make their own decisions.
However, if the majority of their constituents want to repeal Roe VS
Wade then, the politician is obligated to take action on behalf of
his/her political base.

Finally, with the furor over the separation of Church and State, you'd
think that our citizens would not want the Executive Branch,
Legislative Branch or Judicial branch meddling with our religious
affairs. However, we are all human and we get excited about being
right and religious beliefs are held closely with much emotion wrapped
around them.

In the end, my hope is that our citizens will be critical thinkers and
vote with knowledge of the candidates and our electoral process. I
hope that they appreciate the fact that they can vote and do have the
freedom of choice and the freedom of religion. I hope they use fair
judgment while and trying not to wield their vote to impose their
religious beliefs on every one else. It would be really great if they
also remembered the sixth amemdment which reads; The enumeration in the
Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or
disparage others retained by the people. Basically, certain right
should not be denied to others.

Ultimately, we have to remember that this country was founded by people
who escaped religious persecution and we should consider the
consequences of using legislation to avoid repeating history. Our civil
rights are very important and it's easy to use legislation to erode
them. Our precious civil rights are held in high regard around the
world because they are a beacon of light in an otherwise dark world of
persons suffering civil rights crimes. Our civil liberties were design
for all to benefit from the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.
Let's try to keep it that way.