August 2004 Archives

For the past 18 months, I've been dealing with daily chronic pain and
it's not been easy. It's been especially hard on Doug because I've
changed. No longer does his wife have the boundless energy to keep the
house clean, run a business, work in the National Guard, and keep the
yard looking good.

Lately, I've been lucky to have the motivation to walk down the stairs
to the basement to do a load of laundry. Everyday is another
opportunity to understand the suffering of people with chronic pain.
I never knew how draining pain can be on a person both physically and
emotionally.

It's very frustrating having physical limitations that prevent me from
doing the basic things that I took for granted. Some days just getting
in and out of the car is a new experience in increasing my pain
threshold or remembering to hold on to handrails as I walk down the
hallway. Sometimes, I consider going swimming, but then I think about
the following steps:
Get into the car (put body weight on left leg with shooting pain, drop
down into the seat and swing Legs into the car.
Drive (requiring twisting my upper body and neck to look into the blind
spot before signaling)
Get out of the car (means I have to swing my legs out while putting
pressure on my knees)
Open the gym door (which is heavy and requires leg, back and upper body
strength)
Undress (difficult to stand)
Walk to the pool on the slippery floor that does not have hand rails
Step into the pool (worrying about falling)
Start exercising (temporary easing of pain as weightlessness takes hold
and gives my body a rest)

Then, it's the reverse order of things, but adding a shower on a
slippery floor with soap. As a young person we don't think about all
the steps that it takes to just go swimming, but now I think of every
step and I have to decide if I'm strong enough to complete all the
sub-tasks to try to complete my goal of improving my physical fitness.
On mornings when my legs feel weak and my back hurts, it's just easier
to stay home.

I'm not speaking of all of this because I want any sympathy from
anybody, rather a better understanding of someone's struggle with pain.
We never know what someone is going through until we understand their
situation in toto. I always try to learn a lesson from each challenge
that life offers up for me and I think that I now have more empathy for
people with physical challenges. It's a humbling experience because I
realize that I'm not invincible and that humans are fragile. We need
to be careful with our bodies and be safety conscious at all times.

Yesterday (May) , Doug and I went to Babies R Us to select items to put
on our baby registry. As we walked up and down the aisles we discussed
the attributes of each item and made our choices whilst scanning items
with a wand. At some point in the process it dawned on me that we had
done this before and I remembered the day we set up our wedding
registry. Has it been over six years since we were engaged? It's hard
to imagine how quickly the time has gone by and we are better friends
today than we were when we got engaged.

When we started looking at the baby carriages, I suddenly got real
serious about picking the right one. I felt privileged to have these
choices because I've been to many countries where women don't have
these luxuries and I felt lucky to have so many options. My choice
needed to be a good one since it would carry our precious child for at
least two years. So, I basically kicked the tires, checked under the
hood and took them for a spin. Some were too high, some didn't have
the right wheels and some just weren't the right color. But, I finally
made a choice and Doug agreed that it was the right one. When I came
back with the last carriage Doug had a funny smile on his face and I
didn't know it at the time, but he was thinking, "There she goes
wheeling a carriage with my baby in it." He said he felt a little
strange about it. I had to agree with him because a few minutes later
I told him that I couldn't believe that we were in this store picking
out things for our baby because I didn't really know if we would ever
get to this point.

It's funny how being pregnant makes you think about today's hot-button
issues. For example; abortion rights. I can't imagine how people
thought that a late-term abortion up to the seventh month was not
killing a child? I've been feeling fetal movement since 3.5 months and
now with advancements in medicine a six-month fetus can survive in
intensive care.

Everytime, I feel my baby boy move around and kick his feet and arms
and even stretch; I know that some day soon I'll get to hold him in my
arms. Pregnancy is like carrying a living breathing package around
with you for nine months until you are ready to enjoy your gift. And
every time that Doug feels a kick and I see a big smile sweep across
his face, I love him more than I thought I ever could.