May 25th, 2004: Waking without fear

This morning I cried again because my day started with hopes and dreams
instead of fear of the unknown. I was relieved and cried tears of joy.
It took me a while to get out of bed because I have to deal with the
usual aches and pains related to my car accident, but I had renewed
hope today because I know great things are coming.

There's a whole different way of looking at the world when you aren't
afraid of something looming over you. It's hard to express the bliss
that I feel. The only thing I can relate it to is the first moment you
feel joy after a long dark period of grief. That first smile, laugh or
noticing that you are whistling a tune is a celebration of stepping out
from the anguish. It's almost imperceptible, but it's there. And with
each passing day a little more happiness bubbles to the forefront of
your mind until one day, you realize that you aren't sad or frightened
anymore.

I experienced this many years ago when my grandfather died and for
months following his death I was shrouded in a heavy blanket of grief.
It was all I could do to maintain my composure from minute to minute.
But, something remarkable happened. Every couple of days, I would
receive a card in the mail and someone would tell me that they cared
about me and I would cry, but comforted by the feeling that someone
took the time to tell me. Those reminders of love bolstered my resolve
to move forward.

As the weeks went by the weather got better and one morning I was
walking to work and I noticed that the trees had leaves on them and the
birds were singing. The warmth of the sun caressed my face like a
gentle touch and the wind whispered in my ears. It was Spring and like
nature I was coming out into the light to rejoice in the renewal of
life. Not just in nature, but also in me. I was happy to be alive
again.